I often ask myself if I have enough self-confidence or self-belief or faith, to take me through this hell of a journey called I-want-to-fulfill-at-least-one-small-bit-of-my-unambitious-and-average desires, because every time I decided to just do it, fear crept me out and ruined all of my motivation. Motivation I didn’t know how to get back (until recently.)
The thing is that I haven not been raised in a very supportive environment and I probably have a genetic predisposition to carrying-too-much-about-crappy-things (not as crappy tho). Besides that, I am a third culture kid. So it’s a constant fight of the living death between my contradictory beliefs that rule my world.
The scenario I often play in my head is as follows:
What if people make fun of me? I have already been made fun of many times. I don’t want this again.
What if I fail? I have failed not once or twice. This would be another red dot in my notepad. No, I can’t afford that.
What if people think I am an asshole? At certain times, I might act like one, but aren’t we all doing that?
What if I don’t have a clue what I am talking about? Still remember that girl who told me I have been changing my mind every two minutes after we smoked weed together.
One moment, I am ruminating over the idea of putting my wheels in motion, the next, I hear a whisper of fear in my year…
”Naww, you can’t do that.” it says. “I will hunt you down and expose you.”
Uh-oh… Don’t worry exposing me my lovely inner-critic. Let me answer the above questions and do that myself.
So here it is:
1) Let them make fun of me.
2) Let me fail.
3) Let them think I am an asshole.
4) Let them think I don’t know what I am talking about.
It’s not going to be my first time, and honestly, I don’t care.
Being attached to what others would think of me or whether I am going to amount to anything in this life or not, along with the fear of failure, are the two things that kept me paralyzed every time I tried to step up and take action.
This fear has been eating off me, my authenticity, my personal happiness, my voice, of my personal freedom. So I had to do something about it, right? I couldn’t let that get in my way and trip me up every time I wanted to do things that felt right to me. Had I done so, I would still be screwing myself up BIG time.
After all, I had a vision, and I still have it. I need to protect it. Could I let someone with no vision and probably bad habits slap me down? I mean, it’s not that it’s bad when they try to drag you down. It means you are either doing something right or that you really suck.
I still remember when I was in the local disco and some douche came and hit me in the face for, believe it or not, not obvious reasons. It was a pretty solid hit, but I didn’t fell. I was sitting on the couch, maybe that’s why. But you know, I am glad that he hit me. Something profound happens when they hit you in the face. Maybe it’s true that painful experiences help you grow (and maybe some humiliating ones?)
Although at first, I felt like shit, It made me realize how strong I actually am, and that some people will very often try to fuck you over for nothing. It taught me to not pay attention to the opinions of people who gave up on their dreams and are hating those who haven’t (or are just different.)
So you would say that getting hit in the face, which results in hematoma, and is what inspires you to change, is sick. Maybe it is. But I would say that pain is one of nature’s agents for inspiring change. And by the way, you don’t necessarily have to get hit in the face like I was to realize this truth. It just makes you realize it quicker than usual.
It’s been more than five years since then. I stopped carrying about it a long, long time ago. The lesson? I learned how to frame every so-called disaster with the words:
In five years, will this matter?
If it doesn’t, tell it to go to hell and move on with grace.
For the most part of my life, I’ve been delusional about a lot of things. I have been delusional about relationships that ultimately failed. About friends that turned out to be total fuck ups trying to hate on you, because:
1) Most people are fear driven, and they have a distorted way of looking at the world around them.
2) And it’s just easy to hate. Especially those who choose courage over fear.
I have been delusional that humans don’t have personal limits, just to, later on, realize we do, because life has an end. So it’s a good to know what your limits are. They help you to discover where you stand in life so you can double down on what you are not terrible at.
I’ve been delusional about this, about that, about him, her, and about them. About many things. So being delusional is what I am trying to stay away from as much as possible.
When I think about it, that might be a bit delusional too.
But there is also this voice of hope in my head, which reminds me that I am putting myself out there for those who want to see more of me. Not for those who don’t. And I think you just heard this voice in your head too.