When I am reading a book, I always try to correlate a passage of it with a familiar situation or a person I know.
While there is nothing wrong with that, sometimes it may be kind of delusional. Or so I think. Because it’s like trying to judge somebody based on what you’ve heard and think, without even having taken the time to get to know the whole situation first. So you end up misjudging others.
Humans are complicated creatures. And as much as we may share some common things like anatomical structure, there are many other factors that make us different from each other.
So who am I to judge others and what they do? I can barely judge myself correctly. If I could, I wouldn’t have needed to pretend I am a writer.
I would’ve most probably been on the front page of Vogue and constantly traveling the world, surrounded by cameramen, and a team of personal stylists and bodyguards dealing with my whims and fancies. And my beard.
The thing is that I am more probably wrong when I rush to judge somebody. And this tends to happen with people that I think I know just by having spoken to them once or twice or a hundred times, but in a superficial way.
And to make things worse here is where social media jumps in. We often judge people by how they look and express themselves on pictures. And in most cases, we can’t form an objective opinion whether it be positive or negative. Because in most cases people barely want to show what’s hidden beneath the surface of their protective ego in real life let alone on social media.
If you’ve never seen a walnut, can you tell what’s inside without cracking it? You would judge it based on externals such as how big the walnut is. But you would never know what’s inside unless you crack it wide open.
Some people are like walnuts. And difficult for cracking. So maybe the question would be: How to make that person open up before you so you can get to know them a little better?
If you are the one who’s got the balls and courage, maybe you should open first? Share a part of yourself? (Not naked, please.)
Or be an asshole the first moment when fear floods your mind because the person is not responding in the way you wished he had, and completely screw your first-time impression, although you had a chance. But now you blew it. Because you were impatient. And you couldn’t handle yourself.
I wrote a girl the other day. I found her on Instagram. Yeah, I know, a lame approach for a guy like me. And talking to people in person is always better. More often than not, though, the temptations of the twenty-first century, such as technology, gets in the way.
I didn’t hold any particular expectations about our conversation in the back of my mind. Or so I thought. I just wanted to start a conversation with a stranger.
We spoke for a little while. But apparently, I was expecting her to behave in a certain way. My stupid logic. Where are my damn emotions in such moments?
Of course, she didn’t fulfill my expectations. So I removed her, although she was replying in a nice way. Uh oh… so that’s where my emotions were. Too late.
The next day I went to send her a friend request again. And she accepted. Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayers!
But her attitude had changed. I tried to make up a story about why I did it. When you start justifying to a stranger about your stupidity, it never works.
In fact, justifying yourself for thinking you’ve screwed up rarely works. It’s like a shit catalyst. You can’t escape the smell. You’ve lost confidence. And the hesitation, too obvious. And it looks even more stupid. So you might as well stop fucking around and wasting your time. And move on.
Anyway, my mind played a trick on me. It made up a story about why she was not responding in the way I wished she had. Thoughts such as:
Venny, she didn’t follow you back, so why bother?
She didn’t like a single picture of yours, so why bother?
She didn’t ask you how are you or who are you, so why bother?
She is not interested man. So why bother?
My mind was throwing limiting beliefs at me from all angles. It’s very good at it. I am a pretty confident person. I started losing it.
But oh Gosh. I’ve never seen this girl in my life, to begin with. Yet I expected her to almost jump on my dick and love me for the rest of my life. And I ignored the fact that she was actually replying to me.
That was something I could’ve clung onto. Because that was the reason I wrote her in the first place. To just talk. Instead, I listened to my tricky mind and trashed everything.
I put her into a common denominator. But when someone does that to me, I hate it. And we all have slightly different experiences and genetic code that shape our personalities and temperament. So every one of us is slightly different.
Not just that, but I made all kinds of conclusions about her and why it didn’t work out in my mind. And she might be a wonderful person.
See how stupid that looks?
But who knows… Au contraire, It might be that she is young, sexy, and she wants to become a professional singer. And that makes her tend to think highly of herself and little of others.
See? I do it again.
Either way, not really important stuff. The point in case here is that no matter from what perspective you look at it, you should always remind yourself of one thing:
It’s not about sex and who is better, richer, prettier. It’s about overcoming your own narcissism and giving someone a chance.
Some people are weak in handling their fear responses. And by indirectly giving them a hint that it’s safe to approach you, you allow them to show up as the person they are. Not as the person you want them to be. That takes effort, patience, and a willingness to get rid of the habit of hasty judgment.